how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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