You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
