"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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