I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
