You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize