WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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