Plan B is the new Plan A
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize