new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Found your dick twin last night
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
