I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
