One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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