The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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