a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
