The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
