i don't plan on having that self control this summer
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
a search helicopter?!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
