We named our party play list daddy issues
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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