My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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