Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
