I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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