The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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