Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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