my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
