Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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