So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
