I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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