Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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