as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
