i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
