im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
