I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
