We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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