at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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