Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
