My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Randomize
