Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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