the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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