i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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