I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize