So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
