I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
