Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
