well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
