my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
