you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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