i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
