True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
