Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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