Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
