I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
