well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hippo gnu deer
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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