Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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