I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
