On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
