i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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