Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
