you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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