I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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